Therapy for Compulsive or Unwanted Sexual Behaviors
Maybe it's patterns of hook-ups or affairs that contradict your own values. Maybe it's pornography you've tried to cut back on, again and again, without success. Maybe it's fantasies or urges that feel intrusive or that you haven't been able to talk about with anyone. Maybe you've started to feel like your sexual behavior is running your life, rather than being a part of it.
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Whatever brought you here, the fact that you're asking the question matters. This kind of behavior rarely develops in a vacuum. It tends to serve a function: stress relief, emotional numbing, a way to feel wanted, or a way to escape. Therapy isn't about labeling you. It's about understanding why the pattern developed and what it's been trying to do for you, to help you lead a fuller life with a healthier relationship to sexuality.
My Approach
I don't use the term "sex addiction." Not to dismiss the pain of being stuck in unhealthy patterns, but because that framing often produces more shame without producing more change. What I find more useful is understanding what the behavior has been doing for you, when it started, what's underneath it, and what a different relationship to it might look like.
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This is not a 12-step approach. There are no labels required. Abstinence may or may not be the goal; that depends on your values, your relationship, and your specific situation. What we work toward is behavior that is actually aligned with what you want for your life.
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Some clients come to me individually. Others come because a relationship has been affected by sexual behavior and both partners want to understand what happened and how to move forward. I work with both.
Who This Is For?
People come to me with a wide range of concerns in this area:
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Sexual behavior that conflicts with your values or that you're keeping secret from a partner.
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Compulsive use of dating apps, hook-up sites, or other actions that feel distressing or that are creating real consequences.
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Intrusive or unwanted sexual thoughts that produce shame, fear, or confusion.
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Pornography use that has become difficult to control, despite repeated attempts to stop or cut back.
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A pattern of sexual risk-taking that you understand intellectually but can't seem to stop.
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Concerns about infidelity or sexual behavior within a relationship that you want to understand and address.
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People whose sexual behavior has crossed legal or ethical lines and who want to understand what happened and how to do things differently.
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Whatever is bringing you to this page, you're likely already aware that judgment won't help you. I will work with you to build greater self-understanding and healthier patterns over time. Learn more about general therapy for men.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
What is compulsive sexual behavior?
Compulsive sexual behavior describes a pattern where sexual thoughts, urges, or actions feel difficult or impossible to control, and where the behavior is causing real consequences in your relationships, work, finances, or sense of self. It's not a formal DSM diagnosis, but it describes something very real. Many people experience a cycle: urge, behavior, brief relief, then shame, secrecy, and the next urge. Therapy helps you understand what drives that cycle and what you actually need.
Is this the same as sex addiction?
The term "sex addiction" is widely used but clinically contested. It doesn't appear in the DSM-5, and research doesn't consistently support it as a primary addiction in the way substance addiction works. That said, the patterns people describe under that label are real and often serious. I don't lead with that frame because it tends to add shame without adding clarity. We'll work with your specific experience rather than a label.
Do you use a 12-step model?
No. My approach is not 12-step based. Some people find those programs useful and may continue with them alongside therapy. But I don't require that framework, and I work with clients who want an approach grounded in clinical therapy rather than an abstinence model.
Does this mean you'll tell me I need to stop?
Not necessarily. Goals in this work depend on your values, your relationship context, and what's actually causing harm. For some people, the goal is abstinence from a specific behavior. For others, it's developing a different relationship to sexuality, one that is more intentional, less compulsive, and more aligned with their actual values. We figure that out together.
Do you work with people whose behavior has harmed others?
Yes. I work with people who have engaged in harmful sexual behavior and want to understand it, and move forward differently. This is distinct from being a passive recipient of a behavioral program. Clients who work with me in this area are often people who are motivated to do genuine self-examination, not just fulfill a court requirement. If you're currently facing a criminal case, you can learn more about those offerings at Queens Counseling for Change.
Do you work with couples when sexual behavior has been an issue?
Yes. I work with couples where one or both partners have concerns about sexual behavior, including situations involving infidelity, deceit, or other patterns that have created conflict or broken trust. Couples work in this area can include helping a partner understand what happened, supporting accountability, and rebuilding trust over time. Learn more about relationship therapy.
How does IFS therapy look for these issues?
A lot of approaches to compulsive sexual behavior start by treating it like the enemy and trying to stop it. The problem is that fighting a pattern rarely works if you don't understand what the pattern is doing for you. IFS helps us get curious about that instead. It treats the part of you that keeps returning to the behavior not as a character flaw to be corrected, but as something worth understanding. When you approach it that way, the behavior usually starts to make sense in a way it never did before. And when something makes sense, you have a lot more choice about it. That shift, from self-condemnation to self-understanding, is often where real change begins. Learn more about IFS Therapy.