5 Ways to Handle Relationship Conflict Without Making It Worse
Most fights don’t go wrong because of the substance. Relationship conflicts often escalate in the first few sentences, and in what happens once both people feel attacked.
That holds whether the other person is your partner, your mother, or a brother you see twice a year. One comment lands wrong, your voice rises, and ten minutes later you’re arguing about something from 2019.
Two approaches to couples therapy, the Gottman Method and Imago Relationship Therapy, offer practical tools for this moment. Both were built for couples, but much of what they teach can often apply when the conflict is with a parent or sibling.
Notice your body first
Psychologist John Gottman calls this state “flooding.” Your heart rate climbs, your thinking narrows, and listening gets close to impossible. Pushing through rarely helps.
If you feel flooded, ask for a break. Say how long you need and when you’ll come back. Gottman suggests at least 20 minutes, spent on something calming rather than rehearsing your rebuttal. A break with a return time tells the other person you’re coming back. Walking out without one can look like stonewalling.
Start soft
In one of Gottman’s studies of newlywed couples, the first three minutes of a conflict discussion predicted which couples would divorce over the next six years. A harsh opening tends to produce a harsh ending.
A soft start names how you feel, the specific situation, and what you need. Compare “You never call me back” with “I felt hurt when I didn’t hear from you this weekend. I’d like us to talk more often.” The second version gives the other person something to answer besides a defense.
Mirror before you respond
Imago, developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, asks the listener to repeat back what they heard before adding anything of their own. “Let me see if I got that. You felt left out of the plans.” Then ask, “Is there more about that?”
This will feel slow and a little awkward. That’s the point. Mirroring keeps you from building your reply while the other person is still talking.
Validate without agreeing
Validation means you can see how the other person reached their view. You don’t have to share that view. “Given that I canceled twice, I can see why you’d think I don’t make time for you” is validation. You still get to give your side afterward.
Imago adds one more step after validation. Try to name what the other person might be feeling, such as “I’d guess you felt pretty alone that weekend.”
People tend to soften once they feel understood. Few soften while they’re still trying to prove their case.
Watch for repair attempts
Gottman uses the term “repair attempt” for any small move that eases tension mid-fight. A bit of humor. “Can we start over?” A hand on the shoulder. “I’m getting defensive.”
These moves are easy to miss when you’re upset, and easy to brush off. When the other person offers one, take the offer, even if part of you still wants to win the point. When you can, offer one yourself.
None of these tools will make every conversation go well. Some patterns run deep, especially in families, where roles were set long before anyone had words for them. Old hurts have a way of showing up in new arguments.
If the same fight keeps coming back, therapy can help you understand what pulls you into the old pattern, and what each of you is trying to protect.
Matthew Willner, LCSW, IFS Certified, is a psychotherapist in virtual private practice in New York, New Jersey, and Colorado, where he works couples and families struggling with intractable conflict. You can learn more at matthewwillnertherapy.com.
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