Moneywise: Who Keeps the Shared Belongings When an Unmarried Couple is Separating?

Nobody thinks about the bedroom set until someone is moving out.

That's the point I made to AnnaMarie Houlis at Moneywise for her new piece on unmarried couples dividing their belongings after a breakup. Moneywise cites Census Bureau data showing the number of unmarried couples living together roughly tripled over two decades, to about 17 million. When those couples are separating, there are few legal rules to sort out who gets what.

The story follows Adrian and Ella. Adrian owned the house and covered the mortgage on his own. Ella paid for most of the furniture in it. At one point they talked about selling his house and buying a place as a couple.

The relationship ended instead. Ella moved out and had to decide which pieces to take.

The legal side is the easier part. The attorneys Moneywise spoke with say the person who paid for an item generally owns it, and a deed to the house doesn't extend to what's in the rooms. Proof of purchase and any messages about intent settle most of the question.

What the receipts don't cover is harder.

I told Moneywise, "While the receipts can settle who legally owns the furniture in a breakup, that does nothing to settle the internal ledger each of them holds in a shared home and belongings."

Adrian may feel he carried the household by providing the house. Ella may feel she made that house a home. Both accounts feel true to the person keeping them. Neither got said out loud while things were going well.

I see this pattern a lot with couples and money. Each person keeps a private tally of what they've given. The tally stays quiet until the relationship ends, and then two different tallies show up at the same moving day.

So before anyone divides the furniture, I'd ask each of them to reflect on how the living arrangement affected them. Name your financial contribution. Then name your emotional one. As I told Moneywise, "A fight about a bedroom set may be less about money and more about grief, anger and sadness." Once you can see that, the furniture gets easier to talk about.

For couples still together, the lesson is simpler. Make the implicit explicit, and do so early. Talk about who owns what before the big purchases. My advice to couples in the piece: "An hour-long uncomfortable conversation upfront is a worthwhile investment to avoid major conflict later."

If you're going through a separation and the fight over belongings feels bigger than the belongings, therapy can help you sort out what you're grieving from what you're owed. You can read the full piece at Moneywise.

Matthew Willner, LCSW, SIFI, IFS Certified, is a psychotherapist in virtual private practice in New York, New Jersey, and Colorado. You can learn more at matthewwillnertherapy.com.